Just Once

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Just once, before you die, wouldn’t you love to see…

some megamillionaire athlete take MTV’s Cribs on a tour of his mansion and get lost?

Ahmad Rashad wear some red lipstick before sucking up to Kobe?

a Chinese fan inform Marcus Camby that his eight-inch Chinese character tattoo means, literally, “I enjoy dating chickens”?

a Wimbledon ball boy yell at Pete Sampras, “What the cac?! Aren’t you going to go pick up any of them?”

Warren Sapp beat his chest after tackling a running back for a two-yard gain, then point to the sky, thanking God, and get struck by lightning?

Rasheed Wallace stick his hand in the air after being called for a foul?

Alex Rodriguez, ahead of you in line at Wal-Mart, getting his American Express rejected?

every book publisher refuse to print Jose Canseco’s autobiography on the grounds that a person must first read a book before writing one?

a pack of jubilant football players sneak up from behind the gnarled old coach on a freezing night and dump a cooler of icy Gatorade on him, and the coach cut them on the spot?

World Cup soccer player David Beckham forget what he’s doing and flop to the ground during the postgame jersey swap?

Bob Costas look straight into the camera and say, “At this very moment in the Olympic Games, the women’s softball final, the men’s 100-meter-dash final, and the excruciating finish of the marathon are all taking place. That’s why it sickens me to have to send you to the three o’clock practice session of the U.S. women’s gymnastics team”?

genius manager Joe Torre try to win a game with the Detroit Tigers’ lineup?

coach Bobby Knight describe his team’s next opponent as “worse than pitiful. These guys couldn’t beat the Asthma Institute”?

a reporter stick a tape recorder in the face of the linebacker, saying, “Talk about the game, Seau,” and Junior replying, “Wait a minute. You sat in that press box for 3 hours, toasty warm, with stats handed to you, replays on 50 TVs, prime rib buffet – with two desserts – and you can’t think of one single question to ask me?”

winning Super Bowl quarterback Brad Johnson holler, “I’m going to Disney World! And after that, we’re taking a real vacation!”?

Bernie Williams call a press conference to demand the club negotiate his contract – downward? “I’m barely hittin’ my damn weight,” he’ll say, his agent nodding by his side. “Start paying me a whole lot less!”

a belligerent hockey fan screaming bloodthirsty insults at a 6’6” Brian Marchment in the penalty box when he suddenly realizes there’s no glass between them?

Kobe Bryant’s run-jump-land-and-jump-again move get called for what it is: traveling?

Stuart Scott on SportsCenter say, “Detroit defeated Atlanta 101-99,” and nothing else?

Al Davis show up at the 50-yard line in a bright blue Perry Ellis blazer, matching ascot, and bleached blond Brad Pitt bangs?

all the manicured, blown-dry, poof-poof dogs at the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show suddenly see a vendor spill a box of wieners and go tearing off all at once?

Bud Selig and Donald Fehr crushed by the same meteorite?

Mo Vaughn say, “I think I’ll have the salad, please”?

the puck?

newderek@imap.cc