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Just once, before you
die, wouldn’t you love to see…
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some megamillionaire athlete take MTV’s
Cribs on a tour of his mansion and get lost?
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Ahmad Rashad wear some red lipstick before
sucking up to Kobe?
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a Chinese fan inform Marcus Camby that
his eight-inch Chinese character tattoo means, literally, “I enjoy dating
chickens”?
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a Wimbledon ball boy yell at Pete Sampras,
“What the cac?! Aren’t you going to go pick up any of them?”
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Warren Sapp beat his chest after tackling
a running back for a two-yard gain, then point to the sky, thanking God,
and get struck by lightning?
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Rasheed Wallace stick his hand in the
air after being called for a foul?
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Alex Rodriguez, ahead of you in line
at Wal-Mart, getting his American Express rejected?
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every book publisher refuse to print
Jose Canseco’s autobiography on the grounds that a person must first read
a book before writing one?
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a pack of jubilant football players sneak
up from behind the gnarled old coach on a freezing night and dump a cooler
of icy Gatorade on him, and the coach cut them on the spot?
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World Cup soccer player David Beckham
forget what he’s doing and flop to the ground during the postgame jersey
swap?
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Bob Costas look straight into the camera
and say, “At this very moment in the Olympic Games, the women’s softball
final, the men’s 100-meter-dash final, and the excruciating finish of the
marathon are all taking place. That’s why it sickens me to have to send
you to the three o’clock practice session of the U.S. women’s gymnastics
team”?
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genius manager Joe Torre try to win a
game with the Detroit Tigers’ lineup?
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coach Bobby Knight describe his team’s
next opponent as “worse than pitiful. These guys couldn’t beat the Asthma
Institute”?
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a reporter stick a tape recorder in the
face of the linebacker, saying, “Talk about the game, Seau,” and Junior
replying, “Wait a minute. You sat in that press box for 3 hours, toasty
warm, with stats handed to you, replays on 50 TVs, prime rib buffet – with
two desserts – and you can’t think of one single question to ask me?”
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winning Super Bowl quarterback Brad Johnson
holler, “I’m going to Disney World! And after that, we’re taking a real
vacation!”?
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Bernie Williams call a press conference
to demand the club negotiate his contract – downward? “I’m barely hittin’
my damn weight,” he’ll say, his agent nodding by his side. “Start paying
me a whole lot less!”
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a belligerent hockey fan screaming bloodthirsty
insults at a 6’6” Brian Marchment in the penalty box when he suddenly realizes
there’s no glass between them?
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Kobe Bryant’s run-jump-land-and-jump-again
move get called for what it is: traveling?
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Stuart Scott on SportsCenter say, “Detroit
defeated Atlanta 101-99,” and nothing else?
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Al Davis show up at the 50-yard line
in a bright blue Perry Ellis blazer, matching ascot, and bleached blond
Brad Pitt bangs?
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all the manicured, blown-dry, poof-poof
dogs at the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show suddenly see a vendor spill
a box of wieners and go tearing off all at once?
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Bud Selig and Donald Fehr crushed by
the same meteorite?
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Mo Vaughn say, “I think I’ll have the
salad, please”?
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the puck?