HELP
WANTED: Flushing, N.Y.-based company seeks house-cleaning assistance.
Fax resume to 1-888-LETSGOMETS.
HELP WANTED: Awesome lawyer who can
get me into the women's bracket for next year's French Open. Willing to
introduce perfect candidate to Mandy Moore's friends as compensation. Call
Andy Roddick.
HELP WANTED: Talented resume writer
needed to offset imminent job loss. Experience writing for coaches/broadcasters
is desired. Phone Doug Collins.
HELP WANTED: Established Western franchise
seeks goal-oriented individual to keep nets clean. Must have excellent
hand-eye coordination, be able to fill very large skates, and be willing
to relocate to Colorado. 19+ years experience preferred. $1-2 million/year.
Send resumes to Pepsi Center, 1000 Chopper Place, Denver, CO 80204, ATTN:
Pierre or Tony.
HELP WANTED: PGA Tour golfer looking
for tough-as-nails male to kick the ass of everyone who is making fun of
me for finishing below Annika at the Colonial. Willingness to carry my
golf bag on weekends mandatory. Call Bob Estes.
HELP WANTED: Super Bowl-winning coach
with Super Bowl-caliber organization seeks quarterback, running back, defensive
backs, wide receivers, offensive and defensive lineman and linebackers.
And a punter. (Family men a plus.) If interested, send resume to B. Parcells,
Irving, Texas.
HELP WANTED: "The Greatest Spectacle
in Racing" seeks American drivers and American fans. No NASCAR reps need
apply.
SITUATION WANTED: Suspended professional
with too much idle time, looking for work. Skills include terrible judgment,
inappropriate comments, and 1,500-word columns that meet tight deadlines.
Availability is wide open for two more weeks. Call Bob Ryan.
SITUATION WANTED: Experienced reporter
with imaginative style seeks full-time journalist position. Most recently
employed by the world's most prestigious newspaper. Equal opportunity workplace
a must.
SITUATION WANTED: Basketball legend
seeks executive position with NBA franchise, preferably within a helicopter
ride of Chicago. Salary must be commensurate with ego.
SITUATION WANTED: Top-notch GM ready
for new opportunity outside of New York. Are you ready to win? If so, $150
million a year for five years and my services will get you that one (1)
pennant you deserve. I can take you almost to the top! Contact Steve Phillips. |
|
|
|
SEEKING
EMPLOYMENT: Leaderless? Lacking in knowledge? In need of a publicity
stunt to revive moribund program? Basketball legend is available to coach,
mentor, reach objects on high shelves to accommodate team owner or school
athletic director. Ask 4 Kareem.
SERVICES OFFERED: Betting tips from
a proven winner! Get the skinny from our "pro in the know." Log on now
to williambennett.com or dial 1-900-HYPOCRT for the best sports book in
the biz!
BUSINESS OPPORTUNITY: Make money from
home! I made millions from my house, without doing anything. You can, too!
For more info, contact Albert Belle Enterprises
BABYSITTER WANTED: Candidates must
be patient, patient, patient! Experience as scapegoat and knowledge of
basic defensive basketball strategy are mandatory. Call Gordon Gund.
CHILDCARE NEEDED: Orlando professional
looking for help in the daily care of nine, possibly more, children. Send
information, references and full body photo to S. Kemp.
WANTED TO PURCHASE: Customized body
armor in compliance with NBA rules and regulations. Willingness to share
knowledge of free-throw shooting a plus. Call Bruce Bowen.
FOR SALE: Questec Umpire Evaluation
Camera. Had to cough up money for new one, looking to get rid of old one.
Excellent condition except for smashed lens. Two cans of Skoal Wintergreen
or best offer. Email inquiries only to dbackcurt@aol.com.
FOR SALE: Buy bulk and save! Hideki
Matsui t-shirts, caps, bobble-heads and assorted memorabilia. Deep Discounts!
ANTIQUE FOR SALE: Rare find! Utah-based
firm willing to sell 40-year-old gem. Piece has aged well and is still
fully functional. Willing to listen to any and all offers. Call 1-800-UTAHJAZZ
for more information.
WANTED: Industrial strength shoe horn
for removal of foot from mouth. Please contact Mr. Tyson.
NEEDED: Twice-daily ride to and from
The Coliseum in Nashville. In exchange, driver will receive seats on the
20-yard line, guaranteed car-jacking protection, and whatever remains in
the Stoli bottle at the end of each trip. Occasional stops at physical
therapy center may be necessary. Phone S. McNair.
MOVING SALE: Large-screen plasma TVs,
humidors, pool tables, gaming equipment (craps table, slots, roulette wheel
-- like new!), air hockey, foosball, etc. Also: Hundreds of pairs of NEW
basketball shoes CHEAP. Contact Michael Jordan, Washington, D.C. |
|
|
|
MEN
SEEKING WOMEN: Soon-to-be SWM with a love for hockey and polygamy ISO
SWF 25 - 34 with several hot sisters. Call Martin Brodeur.
MEN SEEKING MEN: You: Greatest player
of all-time who received unjust punishment in the Capitol. Me: New NBA
owner with deep pockets and an even deeper affection for big names in the
North Carolina region. I'll give you a piece of the pie if you agree to
come to Charlotte and fly. Call Bob Johnson.
MEN SEEKING MEN: Newly-unemployed man
seeks fraternity with flexible age requirements for intitiation. Willing
to provide cheap beer, pretzels, mock turtlenecks. Call Larry.
LOST: Looking for misplaced Zoltar
machine that turned me into my brother, Jeremy. Can't wait much longer;
getting too much heat from the Boss. Must have now. Call Jason Giambi.
LOST: The ability to sustain a lead
after three quarters. May have been misplaced in Los Angeles, Sacramento,
or Dallas. Efforts to compensate have already failed, including media bashing,
short-handed opponents and lure of a ring on a silver platter just begging
to be taken. If found, call San Antonio and ask for "Pop."
LOST: Corners. One inside, one outside.
Please return to 'Greg' in Atlanta ASAP.
LOST: The heart of a champion. Possibly
left on floor of Alamo Dome. If found, contact Dr. Jerry Buss immediately.
RELOCATION OPPORTUNITY: Major metropolitan
area seeks qualified athletes to form competent professional baseball club.
City provides fantastic new stadium, clean uniforms, rich history. Must
provide own gloves, shoes, be able to hit above .220. Call 'City of Detroit.'
ROOMMATE WANTED: 18-year old SBM looking
to share two-bedroom apartment in greater Cleveland area starting late
June. Space has extra-wide doorways to accommodate rapidly expanding head
and sufficient closet space to house 5,000 pairs of Nikes. Applicant must
be clean, drug-free and like Mom's home cooking. Call 216-420-BRON. Ask
for the King.
SUBLET/TEMP ROOM WANTED: Month-to-month
acceptable. Contact Rickey Henderson, Newark, NJ.
OBITUARIES: East, Big. May 13,
2003, 24 years of age, beloved mother of Patrick Ewing, Pearl Washington,
and Chris Mullin; survived by ACC, SEC, Big Ten, Pac-10. Friends and relatives
are invited to a viewing at Greensboro Coliseum March 11-14, 2004. In lieu
of flowers, please send boxes of tissues (with aloe preferably) to Mike
Tranghese, 222 Richmond Street, Suite 110, Providence, RI 02903. |